


Pitch Her Perfect

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Minor Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 06:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17802755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Vriska returns, a party is thrown, and Jade Harley finally gives her a piece of her mind.





	Pitch Her Perfect

You weren't sure how you'd adjust to life on solid ground again. After four odd sweeps of constant frantic motion, daring escapades and overall fuckery, something about the prospect of eternal paradise planet-side struck you as...a little boring. Terezi flew you back, gripping your hand tightly the whole time despite the fact that you were the one who could actually fly unaided. And as the ground rolled past beneath you it was hard to keep from letting your eyes roll with it.

Can Town again? You had enough of those weenie boys playing around with tallcircles on the meteor, and now it looks like they went and built a whole civilization out of them. As you flew past the mayoral building you made a mental note to pilfer the light of democracy at the nearest opportunity.

In general it looks like everyone's had way too much time on their hands, sitting around and waiting for you to get back. It's a good job you got here, actually. Someone probably needed to whip them all back into shape. You try not to listen to the voice that whispers (whispers) to you that, maybe, they were more occupied with having fun without you.

You shook that thought away and went back to dunking on this piss poor excuse for paradise. You tried to get Terezi involved, setting up a few quips for her to finish, but she just nods along without seeming to really pay attention. Normally you'd take the chance and redirect that scorn her way to snap her out of it, but this time you thought better of it. She looked exhausted.

Well, it was her silly fault for not just leaving you back there, you said to yourself.

(But not out loud.)

Now, as the weak Earth daylight begins to dim to something more familiar, you fly down towards a building resembling a respiteblock. A distant memory surfaces after a long absence to tell you that, oh right, this is John's "house".

There are lights on inside, and the front door is spilling yellow out into the evening. At a distance you can hear music blaring, and as you get closer you make out a large banner strung up, facing skyward. In big red letters it reads:

WELCOME HOME, YOU FUCK HEAD

And beneath that, in slightly smaller red letters:

FUCKHEAD ALL ONE WORD BUT DON'T PUT ALL ONE WORD NO DAVE YOU IDIOT GIVE ME THE PEN

Some things never change.

* * *

It turns out that Rose saw you coming a few days ago and roped everyone into throwing you a party. Something about that surprises you: she never used to make a big secret of how much you frustrated her, and you loved it. But halfway through the evening she takes you to one side and thanks you in a tone that speaks of a debt long owed. You smirk to hide your confusion:

What, going soft on me Lalonde????????

But she just sips her water pointedly and glides away.

Terezi went upstairs to take a nap after touching base with everyone, leaving you enjoy being the centre of attention. It's more than a little strange, since you barely spoke to half of these people in the brief window while you were all planning for the final battle. Which is to say, while *you* were planning and everyone else was chatting up a storm and getting into drama and just being generally unhelpful. It looks like none of them have kicked the habit in the time since: they all seem to love talking as much as Karkat now. But it doesn't seem nearly so annoying for some reason. Weird.

(It occurs to you more than once that maybe people are celebrating the end of Terezi's search as much, if not more, than your arrival. But you shut that thought up pretty quickly.)

Despite the rather tepid atmosphere you begin to enjoy yourself. Now that you've got the chance, you realize that you were looking forward to seeing everyone again. Dave and Karkat are being, well, Dave and Karkat, arguing about something idiotic in a corner with the Mayor sandwiched between them; the other Lalonde and John's ancestor Jane are sitting either side of an enormous green skeleton girl on a sofa, all three of whom gave you a friendly wave when you arrived; Kanaya's radiant as ever, literally and otherwise—you never did quite shake that little crush on her.

You're cackling at some stupid shit Dave's funnier ancestor is saying—Dork, you think his name was...yes that's right, Joke's boyfriend—when suddenly you hear a voice bellowing from an adjacent room.

SHE DID WHAT?!!!!!!  


His back goes stiff as a rod and he quickly sidles away (weenies, the lot of them) as you hear heavy footsteps racing in your direction. You turn to see a tall girl with white barkbeast ears hurtling round the corner and gunning straight for you, with her sleeves rolled up and a furious expression on her face. The orange-green double-sprite is trailing behind her, signalling to you over one shoulder in a half apologetic, half amused fashion. They don't seem to be making any effort at all to rein her in.

This is by far the most exciting thing that's happened to you all day. Well, maybe meeting up, arguing and then making out with Terezi for an hour before leaving the furthest ring takes that spot. But this is an uncontested second place. Before you know what's happening the girl has grabbed you by the scruff of the neck and dragged you outside, slamming the front door behind her. You barely manage to remember her name, which is Jade, before she pins you up against the wall outside and just starts yelling at the top of her voice. She's going on and on about something a long time ago, you're having a little trouble following along. Wait, wasn't this the one you spent all those hours putting to sleep for practice back in the day? Looks like she's just worked that out and is pretty mad about it.

Oh, you have missed this.

She catches you smirking and snarls angrily before nearly lifting you off the ground and slamming you back into the wall again. She's...very strong for a human. That makes a very nice change. At some point she stops shouting, a little out of breath and seeming to expect a response. Maybe it's the long journey, or maybe it's just the overwhelming waves of pitch rolling off her, but you feel your stupid mouth open and say:

Well, what can I say, Harley. You look good when you're asleep.  


She just stares at you, breathing heavily for a moment. And then she leans forward all at once and catches your mouth in a heated hatesmooch, teeth raking against your lips without any concern—just the way you like it. You take a moment for the surprise to wear off, and another to return the favour, pressing back against her as she forces you higher up the wall.

For a human she's remarkably good at this. You didn't think her kind understood black romance at all, but now you're not so sure. It's amateurish and raw, perhaps, but there's something extremely appealing about that all the same. The corners of your mouth tug up into a grin as your tongues move back and forth and her claw-like nails dig hard into your neck and shoulder.

And then, almost as quickly as the kiss began, she breaks away and lets you slump to the floor.

fuck you so hard vriska serket  


She glares down at you for a moment more, almost like she's admiring her handiwork. Then she stomps back towards the door and wrenches it open, leaving you there to stew in...whatever the fuck that just was. You touch your bottom lip with one finger and it comes away blue with your blood. Nice.

As the pitch haze slowly dissipates, you look up at the stars beginning to poke through the evening sky. Huh.

Maybe paradise isn't going to be so boring after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the result of some galaxy-braining with [Taz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasciviousWildheart/profile) and [Kate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maltesecaptainfalcon/profile) one evening about the dire state of Homestuck F/F. Sometimes all you need is a pair of friends and a crack ship to have a good time.


End file.
